Jobs. Everyone seems to work so hard to find them, get them, and keep them. People try to be the model employee, the person the company would be a fool to let go. And there is an abundance of information available online how to be a perfect employee.
But what about people who absolutely hate their jobs and don’t want them anymore? The people who want to quit but don’t know how to be politically correct about giving their two weeks notice? What about the miserable employees out there who are just hoping that they will get fired?
For those of you out there who hate your jobs and are anxiously awaiting the day you are handed your pink slip, here are 5 simple things you can do to make sure your pink slip comes sooner rather than later.
5 Guaranteed Ways to Get Fired
Don’t Show Up To Work
This is the easiest and most obvious way to get fired. Waking up early to go into work can be a hassle. It is way more enjoyable to sleep in, have a leisurely breakfast, and not have to put on professional clothes for the office. By not showing up to work, you are almost guaranteed to get fired. If you want the ultimate guarantee, don’t call or email your boss to let him or her know you will not be in the office. By leaving your boss wondering where you are and why you couldn’t be bothered to pick up the phone and let them know your whereabouts and why you are not at work, you basically guarantee that you will get a pink slip.
Come To Work Drunk, Stoned, or On Drugs
This is probably worse than not showing up to work. Nothing screams irresponsible employee more than someone who shows up to work drunk, stoned, or on some other drug. So if you want to get fired, come to work and don’t be sober. Be so drunk you can hardly walk. Be so stoned that someone could tell you the sky is green and you would believe them. Or be tripping out on some other illegal substance to the point where right side up is upside down and the toilet in the bathroom is talking to you. By not being in your right mind at work, your boss will see that you are a liability to the company and will be forced to let you go. And be sure to call a cab for the ride home.
Show Up To Work Late, Take Frequent Breaks, and Leave Early
Minimal time in the office screams SLACKER! So if you want your boss to let you go, do everything you can to show him or her that you are not interested in giving your all to the company. Show up to work late. Take extra long lunch breaks. Take frequent snack, bathroom, and “I need to stretch my legs” breaks. Then top it off by leaving early. If you do this for a few days in a row, chances are your boss will sit you down and talk with you about taking less breaks. So let him or her give you the “you need to work harder” lecture, then keep doing what you are doing. Expect that pink slip on your desk within a week.
Say Bad Things About Your Boss Behind Their Back
Yes, we all have complaints about our bosses. And we should all have the opportunity to vent about the little (or big) things they do that drive us crazy. But if you want to get fired, vent in a way that will get back to your boss. Vent while you are at the office. Tell your coworker how much you can’t stand your boss. Complain to your boss’s friends. Vent in a public place your boss frequents so they have a chance of overhearing. Post your complaints on Facebook, Myspace, and other social networking websites. If your boss knows you can’t stand them, chances are he or she won’t want you around because your negativity (obviously) does not have a positive effect on the workplace and nothing is worse than someone who brings company morale down.
Do Everything BUT Work
Chances are you have access to the Internet while you are at work. And chances are you bring your cell phone to work with you. So why not take advantage of these two entertaining distractions? Instead of doing what you are supposed to be doing at work, talk on your cell phone. Spend hours surfing the web. Watch videos on YouTube. Text all your friends. Play games on your cell phone. Leave comments on your friend’s walls on Facebook. By doing everything but work, you are guaranteed to be unproductive. And we all know what happens to unproductive employees: they get fired.
By utilizing any (or a combination) of the above tips, you can guarantee that you will get yourself fired sooner rather than later. Hang in there, disgruntled employee, the end is near!
For those of you who love your job and want to keep it, just do the opposite of the advice listed above and you will be good to go!
Have any other guaranteed ways to get fired that aren’t listed above? Share them with us in the comment section!
About the Author: Ashley Jacobs is a recent graduate of the University of California, Santa Barbara and currently works as the Editor of Cash Flow Sherpas.