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New Stock Market Terms

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In light of the current economic crisis and subsequent drop in the stock markets, the book on investing has been rewritten. The following are new stock market definitions for common terms:

  • CEO. Chief Embezzlement Officer.
  • CFO. Corporate Fraud Officer.
  • BULL MARKET. A random market movement causing an investor to mistake himself for a financial genius.
  • BEAR MARKET. A 6 to 18 month period when the kids get no allowance, the wife gets no jewelry, and the husband gets no sex.
  • VALUE INVESTING. The art of buying low and selling lower.
  • P/E RATIO. The percentage of investors wetting their pants as the market keeps crashing.
  • BROKER. What my broker has made me.
  • STANDARD & POOR. Your life in a nutshell.
  • STOCK ANALYST. Idiot who just downgraded your stock.
  • STOCK SPLIT. When your ex-wife and her lawyer split your assets equally between themselves.
  • FINANCIAL PLANNER. A guy whose phone has been disconnected.
  • MARKET CORRECTION. The day after you buy stocks.
  • CASH FLOW. The movement your money makes as it disappears down the toilet.
  • YAHOO. What you yell after selling it to some poor sucker for $240 per share.
  • WINDOWS. What you jump out of when you’re the sucker who bought Yahoo @ $240 per share.
  • INSTITUTIONAL INVESTOR. Past year investor who’s now locked up in a nuthouse.
  • PROFIT. An archaic word no longer in use.

Reader entries:

  • FEDERAL BAILOUTS. American capitalism’s replacement.
  • BAILOUT. Unwarranted bonus to greedy executive board
  • EBIT. Earnings before irregularities and tampering.
  • EBITDA. Earnings before I trick the dumb auditor.
  • BUDGET. Written proof that you can’t afford the new boat (or the new house, the new car, the private school education….)
  • MISDEEDS. Crimes.
  • COMMISSION. The only reliable way to make money on the stock market, which is why your broker charges you one.
  • STOCK. A magical piece of paper that is worth $53.28 until the moment you buy it. It will then be worth $6.97

Did I miss any? Leave a comment! ;)


Published or updated December 29, 2011.
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{ 8 comments… read them below or add one }

1 Kristen

Very funny, and yet sadly true! Thanks for a Friday laugh. :)

Reply

2 Dan

Here’s one:

FEDERAL BAILOUTS. American capitalism’s replacement.

Reply

3 Craig

Nice definitions, I got a good laugh out of it.

How about Bailout: Unwarranted bonus to greedy executive board

Reply

4 Ron@TheWisdomJournal

These are hilarious!

How about EBIT: Earnings before irregularities and tampering.

Budget: Written proof that you can’t afford the new boat (or the new house, the new car, the private school education….)

Misdeeds: Crimes

Commission: The only reliable way to make money on the stock market, which is why your broker charges you one.

Stock: A magical piece of paper that is worth $53.28 until the moment you buy it. It will then be worth $6.97.

Reply

5 Jonathan

This is the funniest article I’ve read all month and I love it! Especially “BULL MARKET. A random market movement causing an investor to mistake himself for a financial genius.”

Reply

6 Jae Jun

Read this in an email string but always find it funny.

Reply

7 fathersez

Thank you for pointing out that I have been a value investor all my life.

Incidentally, I also like EBITDA – Earnings before I trick the dumb auditor.

Reply

8 Ryan

fatherzez, I love it!

I think in this market most of us are value investors – unless we are just watching everything drop lower! ;-)

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