New Stock Market Terms

In light of the current economic crisis and subsequent drop in the stock markets, the book on investing has been rewritten. The following are new stock market definitions for common terms:

  • CEO. Chief Embezzlement Officer.
  • CFO. Corporate Fraud Officer.
  • BULL MARKET. A random market movement causing an investor to mistake himself for a financial genius.
  • BEAR MARKET. A 6 to 18 month period when the kids get no allowance, the wife gets no jewelry, and the husband gets no sex.
  • VALUE INVESTING. The art of buying low and selling lower.
  • P/E RATIO. The percentage of investors wetting their pants as the market keeps crashing.
  • BROKER. What my broker has made me.
  • STANDARD & POOR. Your life in a nutshell.
  • STOCK ANALYST. Idiot who just downgraded your stock.
  • STOCK SPLIT. When your ex-wife and her lawyer split your assets equally between themselves.
  • FINANCIAL PLANNER. A guy whose phone has been disconnected.
  • MARKET CORRECTION. The day after you buy stocks.
  • CASH FLOW. The movement your money makes as it disappears down the toilet.
  • YAHOO. What you yell after selling it to some poor sucker for $240 per share.
  • WINDOWS. What you jump out of when you’re the sucker who bought Yahoo @ $240 per share.
  • INSTITUTIONAL INVESTOR. Past year investor who’s now locked up in a nuthouse.
  • PROFIT. An archaic word no longer in use.

Reader entries:

  • FEDERAL BAILOUTS. American capitalism’s replacement.
  • BAILOUT. Unwarranted bonus to greedy executive board
  • EBIT. Earnings before irregularities and tampering.
  • EBITDA. Earnings before I trick the dumb auditor.
  • BUDGET. Written proof that you can’t afford the new boat (or the new house, the new car, the private school education….)
  • MISDEEDS. Crimes.
  • COMMISSION. The only reliable way to make money on the stock market, which is why your broker charges you one.
  • STOCK. A magical piece of paper that is worth $53.28 until the moment you buy it. It will then be worth $6.97

Did I miss any? Leave a comment! ;)

Comments

  1. says

    These are hilarious!

    How about EBIT: Earnings before irregularities and tampering.

    Budget: Written proof that you can’t afford the new boat (or the new house, the new car, the private school education….)

    Misdeeds: Crimes

    Commission: The only reliable way to make money on the stock market, which is why your broker charges you one.

    Stock: A magical piece of paper that is worth $53.28 until the moment you buy it. It will then be worth $6.97.

  2. says

    This is the funniest article I’ve read all month and I love it! Especially “BULL MARKET. A random market movement causing an investor to mistake himself for a financial genius.”

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