How to Be a Gold-Digger

by Ryan Guina

Last week I read an article titled How to meet and marry a billionaire, which was based on a Money Magazine article. You read that correctly – a “How-to-Guide” for marrying into money. Big money. This is a 3 page article about what it takes to get noticed and ultimately married to a billionaire.

Here is the how-to-guide:

1st: How do you find the billionaire?

You will first need to identify the billionaires in your area (or their relatives) and learn their marital status. Then you’ll have to study their businesses, hangouts, pets, favorite philanthropies, artists, music and vacation spots. (Google is a gold digger’s best friend.)

One cautionary note: Before you start making repeated visits to your target’s golf club or home, remember that stalking is a crime in all 50 states and Washington, D.C.

I love that 2nd paragraph!

2nd: Now that you’ve found your target billionaire, how to you get their attention?

Next step: Land the right job – one that allows you to circulate among the wealthy, of course. Just over half of the billionaires in our study met their spouses at work.

The reason is obvious. Ambitious Type A+ billionaires rarely leave their offices long enough to chat up women at bars or to attend a mature singles hayride at their local church or temple.

The article also recommend getting an MBA to help land that better job, and showcasing your smarts in their presence (as billionaires prefer to be surrounded by smart people).

3rd: Move into a rich environment.

  • Join the leisure class
  • Move close to where they live
  • Patronize the arts – and know what you are talking about
  • Attend charity events likely to be attended by these billionaires (even better, be a keynote speaker or organizer).

4th: Be a status faker.

  • Be a class act. Act and dress appropriately.
  • Be into what he’s into. (charities, events, arts, etc.)

5th: Marry that rich sucker! And don’t forget the prenup!

Money Magazine is confident in advising this: If you do make it to the altar, hire a smart lawyer to negotiate the best terms on your prenup.

But no matter how difficult things get, hang in there. The longer you stay, the more the court will award you if the marriage fails. There’s no reason, after all, that your divorce shouldn’t be every bit as lucrative as your marriage.

Need help with your gold-digging? There are seminars about how to marry rich people (I won’t advertise their name on this site). They are held throughout the country. You can even get 1 on 1 coaching, at a $500an hour price tag (don’t worry, when you finally marry that rich sucker, you’ll spend that much on a bottle of wine and feel like your slumming). If the seminars are too rich for your blood you can also buy the books or DVDs.

There are also two matchmaking services mentioned in the article. (Again, I won’t advertise their names on this site). These only charge the rich person doing the seeking – and the charges can range from $10,000-150,000!

No billionaires? There are other targets! If you should fail to land yourself a billionaire, have no fear, the article also mentions alternatives to billionaires. The article recommends targeting ultra-high net worth individuals (UHNWI). UHNWIs are defined as having a net worth higher than $30 million, and as of 2005, there were over 85,000 in the US, many of whom are well on their way to billionaire status. Snag that rich fool before he was “really rich!”

Other great targets mentioned in the article include the widows and ex-spouses of billionaires who have received large estates or divorce settlements, and the children of billionaires, who will one day inherit millions, if not billions of dollars.

Don’t forget! Stalking is illegal, and get that prenup signed! Your bank account will thank you when the next gold-digger takes your spot!

My thoughts… Well, I filed this post under Fun Money and Ethics and Money. Fun Money, because I wrote this post tongue in cheek, and Ethics and Money because many people actually do this. I don’t agree with it, but to each his own.

Now if I could only find a 90 year old woman worth billions… 😉

Published or updated December 29, 2011.
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1 KMull

I saw that article, too. Money is usually solid in their articles… I found this one out of place. It fits more into Vogue or some other magazine. Very odd.

2 Ryan

LOL. I agree! I couldn’t pass it up though. Although I wrote my post tongue-in-cheek, this is actually a way of life for people, and has been for centuries. It is a world I would be out of place in.

3 Mrs. Micah

A 90-year-old woman with billions? What would the wife say? :O

Pretty hilarious post–I hope Money was basically kidding….I hope.

4 kentuckyliz

Perhaps Money ran the article to warn their readers!

OK, this is different than prostitution how, exactly? We’re just negotiating on price, really.

Hopefully in the process of getting the MBA, being a volunteer, supporting the arts and charitable organizations, a potential gold-digger will develop a soul and a life and some integrity.

5 orange rhino

The words “gold digger” and “integrity” do not belong in the same sentence.

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