My wife and I are expecting our first child, which means we have a thousand and one things to do before our little one arrives. One of the things we can check off the list is deciding whether or not my wife would continue working after we have our child or if she would be a stay at home mom. I’ll save the suspense – we have decided it is in our best interest for my wife to be a stay at home mom and raise our child at home.
The decision for us was fairly easy – we had been preparing for it since we got married 2½ years ago. Shortly after our wedding we began preparing to have one parent stay at home. We paid off all our debt and started living on less income than we earned. Shortly after paying off all our debt, my wife took a job that paid less, but offered a better quality of living. We decided at that time to live on my salary and split her salary between saving for retirement and building a nest egg.
But the decision isn’t always an easy decision for everyone to make, and there are many factors that come into play. Here are a few things to consider:
Should you be a stay at home mom, or a working mom?
Can you afford it? This is the first and most obvious factor many people consider. Giving up a salary is hard to do, especially in a difficult economy. But you might not be giving up as much money as you would think. After you take into consideration the costs of daycare (anywhere from $4,000 – $15,000 per year), taxes, commuting, professional wardrobe, eating out, and other work related expenses, your take home pay may be less than a third of your actual salary. If you can afford to give up that amount of income, you may decide it is not worth the headache of juggling the stresses of work and raising a family.
Do you want someone else raising your children? This was the deciding factor for us. My wife and I prefer to raise our children instead of shipping them off to day care for the first few years of life (we do not have any family close enough to help out). Your situation may differ if you have a relative who can watch over your children while you work either full or part time. But we want to cherish the time we have when they are young.
Will being a stay at home mom hurt your career? This is an important question to ask. Taking a several year hiatus from the work force can set your career back if/when you decide to return to the work force. But that doesn’t mean you can’t remain active and work on your skills while you are a stay at home mom. You can work as a freelance writer, remain active in professional organizations, obtain professional licenses or certifications, teach online courses, teach evenings at a local community college or university, go back to school, start a small business, etc. There are many other proactive things you can do to lessen the affect of being out of the traditional work force for several years. You may even decide to use this as the launching point for a new career.
Should you stay at home, or return to work?
You will probably get an opinion on this from just about everyone, but this is a decision that should be made by you and your spouse. For my wife and I, the decision was easy. But I know it is a difficult decision for many people.
I would love to hear your thoughts on being a stay at home mom, or returning to the work force after having children.
{ 84 comments… read them below or add one }
Great post! It sounds like you are well positioned for the stay-at-home approach.
This is a tough decision for most people. First there is the quality of life question. Then the question of costs. It really depends on how much a mom makes and how much child care would cost. There is also the child care tax credit and flex spending benefits to offset the costs of care . . .
I am a work-at-home mom who really had to work hard to stay with my kids since we couldn’t afford to live on one income. It was totally worth it, even though it required a lot of work early on. You also gave me a good jumpstart for my new blog. Here’s a snippet:
“So, to those who are contemplating staying at home vs. working at home vs. working outside the home, there is no right or wrong answer on the whole. But there is a right answer for your family. First, you decide the answer; then, you decide how to make it work.”
Very good post. My wife is expecting our first child in less than three weeks (gulp!) and we made the choice for her to stay at home. A lot of the same thoughts went into our decision as you mentioned. My wife was in a low paying job (ironically, taking care of children) so the net income that we would have had would have been practically a wash.
One thing that’s important to is to have this decision made before you even start thinking about having kids. My wife and I discussed this during our engagement, over three years before we even got pregnant. That was key for us because we knew that we were on the same page, which avoided any surprises or disagreements, and it also let us start planning financially for it from the very beginning of our life together.
There is also a cost / benefit analysis that goes into the decision too. My wife just got her first job since graduating from college. She was a stay at home mom, but now there are a lot of additional costs that have also eaten into the decision for her to go back to work. Between outragous childcare costs, vehicle and gas costs for a 30 minute commute, more income taxes, etc., my wife is almost breaking even for the luxury of going back to work.
Don’t forget about Stay-At-Home-Dads! We sold our real estate business a little over a year ago, so that I could stay home with my daughter for the first year. My wife went back to school as a teacher when she was around 3 months old. I was hesitant at first, but this was one of the best decisions we could have made!
Baker: I haven’t forgotten the stay-at-home-dads. In fact, I offered my wife the opportunity to stay in the workplace while I stayed home to take care of our child. I earn money from my websites, so we could maintain benefits and two incomes. But she didn’t take me up on my offer.
I recently got married (December 2008) and my wife and I decided that if/when we have kids, she would stay home and raise them. Neither one of us liked the idea of shipping our young ones off to day care. We are lucky enough that we can survive on my income alone . .
We don’t have any kids yet (or on the way), but in the future we might decide to have kids . .
My husband maintains that every man should be primary caregiver for awhile.
He was for the first 18 months of our son’s life. I am fortunate in the fact that I am a WAHM (work at home mom). Right now, while my husband finishes his Ph.D., I am the primary breadwinner and the primary caregiver. And I do it at the same time. (It helps that my son is in school now — but I’m not sure what I’ll do during the summer.) Of course, this means my husband helps with cooking and cleaning…
I am hoping to be a SAHM eventually. Since we just got married in August, bought a house in September, and are now expecting a baby in October, everything moved a little quickly for us to get our finances in order for me to be able to stay home right away. Our plan is for me to return to work full-time for another year, and then I’m going to look for either a part-time job or a work from home job. I’m hoping to build up my freelance writing work to the point where that would be a sufficient second income for us.
One good thing is that my husband and I have opposite schedules, so we won’t have to use daycare. We’re going to look for a private sitter to cover the occasional gaps in our schedules, and we have family nearby who will help.
We made a similar decision last year. My wife went back to work for a while but leaving our little guy in the care of others didn’t seem right. When the summer ended (she works in education) we made the decision for her to stay home to raise the kids. She’s loving it! And it also makes the household much less stressful! No more are we running around at night trying to care care of everything for the next day or waking up super early to get the kids ready and out on time.
We already had money saved up in case we needed it but we’ve surprised ourselves by managing to get by and still save some on just one income.
I agree every situation is different and there is no black and white in this. Many families just don’t have the opportunity to have a parent stay at home. Others have close family that can help out.
As for stay at home dad, that’s actually something we’re considering now as we’re expecting our third in July. We’ll see (I may be calling myself a “pro-blogger”).
Wow, great post. The Wife and I are currently heading into this phase of our lives as well. Luckily, my wife works from home, so I am hoping she would just scale way back but still bring in some sort of income. She is sort of set on not working, so it will be interesting what kind of compromise we work out.
I took 4 months off after both of my kids were born – you couldn’t pay me enough to do that full time. 12 hours a day of going to parks, drop-in centers, reading kids books etc. It just about drove me insane.
I was thrilled to go back to work.
I think there is much more than money considerations that need to be thought through when making this decision. I personally would go crazy staying at home every day with kids. I need to get out of the house. I need to have a part of my life that belongs to myself. I could not handle being a stay at home mom. I think it is important that BOTH parents share in the work of parenting. For some, having one person stay at home will work better than both working, but I know that I could not do it. Make sure you think about whether or not you would enjoy what you are doing.
I think it is crazy for women to stay home unless your children are disabled. Has anyone read “The Feminine Mistake” by Leslie Bennetts. It is a great book. Leslie makes the point that taking care of children is a temp job, children will grow up and leave. (Unless they are sick) . The longer women are out of th workplace the harder it is to enter it. Women need to realize and accept that with men can leave or die and you do not want to be dependent on anyone for basic food/clothes/shelter. I married with two boys, 6 and 8. It has been hard to work and take care of my boys/husband but I make it work. If something every happened to my husband I would have to work anyway.
SassyMommy: Interesting comment. I haven’t read “The Feminine Mistake,” but I don’t think it would affect our position. My wife and I believe it is a blessing that one of us is able to stay at home to raise our child according to our beliefs and what we feel is best.
We have a partnership and we take care of each other. We share in chores and responsibilities – cooking, cleaning, shopping, finances, etc. It has been like that since day one and we have no plans of changing that. Should something happen to me or to her, then hopefully life insurance would take away some of the financial strain.
Regarding careers, my wife was a professional in the medical field and lived on her own for 10 years before we were married. Her plan is to remain current with her licenses and training and she can reenter the workplace when she is ready.
In addition to remaining current in her professional field, my wife has plans to help me with my small business (this web site and others). This will give her a job to help grow her current skill set, and will help us continue to grow our business after our child arrives.
I understand your view point, but my wife is fully capable of taking care of herself should something happen to me. For us and for our situation, this is the best decision, and it isn’t so crazy in our opinion.
Good response to SassyMommy, Ryan. I get really upset when parents start nitpicking at one another and criticizing other parents’ choices. There are so many parenting issues where everyone gets hypercritical of one another (work vs. stay at home, day care, breastfeeding). What works well for one family may not work for another. Calling another parents crazy, selfish, lazy, uninterested, whatever, accomplishes nothing.
GREAT post. I think your first line says it all – you PLANNED. We started planning before we had kids too, and it is the only way we could ever have done it feasibly for a decade. It wasn’t a permanent move, but it was a season and I have not a single regret.
I was a SAHM for 11 years and now work for a daycare. I love being pseudo-Mom and I love those kids and I do the very best I can for them, but they deserve better…their family. We can love and comfort them, but they want their Mommies and Daddies. And expecting a toddler or preschooler to be in a social routine for 8-10 hours a day is ridiculous. As somebody who comforts tired, lonesome little kids every day it may seem worth it for the parents, but often it isn’t for the children.
It’s never said in so many words, but the staff are encouraged to minimize (if not leave out) the reality if a child is frequently having tears, loneliness or aggression, so the parents feel better about their choice. That is so wrong. When I gave birth, I took on the responsibility to make my choices only in my best interests.
Daycare is about numbers to stay within the law, and less about the well-being of the children. Here, the law says we can have 10 preschoolers to every care worker. Have you ever tired caring for 10 children alone at once? You can’t watch them all – they’re busy! But that’s the law. Since that is the factor that decides whether or not our centre can stay open, that is where the emphasis is. We count heads constantly..every time a worker needs to pee or grab lunch, a child needs to be removed for toileting or have other needs tended too. We count. That takes precedence over learning, over playing, over outside time. Numbers. When you put your child in daycare, we fight every instinct to do it, but ultimately the system is set up to make your child a number. “Feminine Mistake” or not…it boils down to this…Is that REALLY the best we can do for our children. I can only say NO.
Not everyone is cut out to be a SAHM..I know that. And I don’t expect everyone should. But I like articles like this that at least encourage people to consider it as a option. Great job!
Sassy,
First things first: My mother was not crazy.
Taking care of children is not a “temp” job: The influence that a mother and father have on a child will mold him/her into the person that he/she will become for life. You are the person you are today based on how and by who you were raised.
Everyone’s situation is unique, and if being a full-time working mother works for someone, I certainly wouldn’t hold it against them. But please don’t make a blanket statement and refer to all stay-at-home moms as crazy just because Leslie Bennetts sez so.
I earn too much to be the stay at home parent, these sort of arguments assume that the woman is the lower wage earner. The wage gap will likely start shrinking now that women are going college in greater numbers than men. I cant wait till men have to start doing the number crunching to decide if they should give up their careers to stay at home!
Miss M: I volunteered to be the stay at home dad but my wife wouldn’t let me! It’s becoming more common though, and I think that is a wonderful thing!
Gus: My article is by no means mean to be judgmental regarding anyone’s parenting decisions. I realize there are people who prefer to send their children to day care, and there are people have little to no choice in the matter.
I don’t think day care is the right or wrong solution, only that it is not the full-time solution for my wife and I at this time. I’m not opposed to sending our child(ren) to day care part time when they get older. I’m sure it would be good for them to learn social skills.
My wife and I feel blessed that we have the option of one of us being a stay at home parent, but we know the decision that works for us doesn’t work for everyone.
I have never considered “shipping” our son off to daycare. Instead I just drive him there or take the train. Maybe I should consider the shipping option?
In all seriousness, I love how some stay at home parents consider daycare as some massive child factory where poor children are shipped by their thoughtless and insensitive parents. I would imagine that most parents that send their child(ren) to daycare want to cherish the time they have with them when they are young too.
I just tend to notice in blogs, articles I read, and in conversations with stay at home dads or moms, that daycare has such a negative conotation and if you send your kids to daycare you notice that the stay at home parents constantly insert little jabs or make assumptions about your parenting based on the fact that you send your kid to daycare.
But I was being too harsh and I apologize Ryan. It’s a tough topic. Ideally we would have some family around to watch our son, but we don’t and my wife doesn’t want to quit working. So we sucked it up and got on multiple waiting lists (some over a year) and visited multiple daycares to get our son in one we were comfortable with. And now we pay $1200 a month in “tuition” (seriously, they call it that) for daycare, but my son absolutely loves the place (or they have brainwashed him) and has made wonderful friends out of the deal. So it is what it is and we are happy with it so far.
Sorry – I just read my response again and worded it wrong. I said
“When I gave birth, I took on the responsibility to make my choices only in my best interests.”
What I meant to say was that I GAVE UP the responsibility to make my choices only in my best interests.”
Wow, it’s amazing that so many people have the option. For most, they couldn’t afford to do this whatsoever. Personally, as a father, if I could choose to not work, I would have in a second. But that’s not most people’s situation, nor is the money for daycare a wash with what a person can earn from even a parttime job
We took the same approach. Before we had kids we focused and budgeted so we could live on my salary and saved hers. We bought our house knowing we’d have to pay for it on one salary. My wife loves raising our children.
Michael: Glad to hear it! It’s amazing how many people don’t plan these things in advance. It’s a major life decision and major financial decision!
Put me in the “planning to stay home” group! My husband and I will hopefully have a family in the next couple of years and I am really looking forward to being a mom. I guess it’s just my personality, but I’ve *never* been a career woman. I’m almost 30 and I’ve been looking forward to full time motherhood since I was 18!
Financially, we have been saving my income since we’ve been married. We also plan on getting some hefty life insurance policies.
My husband and I both have low-medium 6-figure earning potentials, but we barely even discussed whether I would stay at home with our kids–it was pretty much assumed that we wouldn’t have kids until we were ready to live on his single salary. As a consequence, we are older (38 and 40, having our third and final child in July), but very happy with our decision. We have since decided that I’ll be homeschooling my kids, so I may never go back to full-time work, (given my age +20 more years) but it’s something we’re prepared for. I recently took on a work at home permanent consulting job in technology evaluation and commercialization. I will probably average $1000/month until I can pick up more hours in a couple of years when my kids get older (they’re currently 4, 2, and fetal). I’ll probably peak at $2500-$3500/month which is enough for us to meet our saving and investing goals. After a few years, I am thinking about becoming a patent agent to make some more free-lance type money and keep my resume and mind active–you just never know if life is going to work out the way you’d like and there’s always a chance I could be in a position where I have to work full-time to support my family.
I definitely advise people staying at home with their kids, whether you think it’s going to be short, medium, or long term, to keep up with your skills and keep an ear out for opportunities for free-lance type work. It’ll make you feel good to know you’re contributing financially to your family (taking some pressure off of the other parent) will keep your educationally/vocationally mind active and keep you connected to the non-parenting world.
Julie: I think it’s great that you found a way to work from home while being a stay at home mom. You are keeping your skills and resume fresh, contributing to the household income, and getting some professional interaction to challenge you and keep your mind sharp.
My wife has similar plans with maintaining her medical licenses and staying current, and she also plans to help me with our small business. I hope it works out as well for us as it has for your family!
I gave up a high paying high-tech job to stay home for 5 years.
It was the best decision – for our family, & I loved being home.
Career wise, I got right back into the swing of work – and love it.. 3 years back now.
My tips : keep your resume up-today .. add in volunteering, community involvement, try to take a few classes or workshops to stay current.
When you are at home — get to know your neighbors and parents at the school. This network is a huge help when you are back to work.
Best wishes to all of you
Lesley: I’m glad to hear it worked well for you and your family! Thanks for adding the great tips.
Congrats Ryan & Mrs on finding a way for someone parental to be home for the CRITICAL birth to 3yrs stage. I’m an elementary teacher & worked 6 mos in the 2-yr-old “class” at a daycare. Like Kristie, I enjoy being a pseudo-mom (I LOVE it when my 2nd graders slip and call me ‘mom’ once in a while; it’s a HUGE compliment) All the research we’re taught in continuing ed indicates that school success is pretty much set by what happens from birth-3.
Most people reading & commenting on this forum I feel safe to assume would do (if possible for their families) the stay-at-home thing the “right” way. By that I mean read and talk to their children, do or let them do crafty things and play outside, play with things rather than electronics and monitor the TV/Videos being watched, and feed them as nutritiously as they are able. That kind of B-3 experience makes for happy school years, but the kind where the ‘parent’ parks the kid in front of the TV and/or game console with a junk food meal and whose goal is to keep the kid quiet so their TV show can be heard is not the kind of B-3 experience that makes for good school years. The second kind of parent would be better off getting their child into a daycare as soon as possible.
There is a difference between “daycare” and “preschool,” by the way. Preschool takes a more active role in prepping kids for Kindergarten and is generally for older children (3s & 4s) and you’re assumed to be there every day the full time (half-day preschool & rest of it daycare, if offered at the facility for those who need it) At a place like that, your payment truly is tuition, because these children start Kindergarten ready to meet the high expectations our culture has of this ‘grade’ now.
Daycare, is more like what Kristie described, and what I worked in – they start with infants and go up from there. Parents can be flexible in bringing and picking up their children through the day and that’s why the constant counting is necessary – the numbers fluctuate. As soon as it drops to 10 in the afternoon, the 2nd person is often sent home. Many will have their staff do circle time where letters & numbers and songs take place, but it’s not the main emphasis of the facility. Some of those children adapt to Kindergarten well & some learn there for the 1st time all the social expectations of school such as sitting in a desk or at a table for more than eating and paying attention to what a teacher says.
That said, one thing I would like to throw out for all you parents is to consider that transition from home to Kindergarten. We have much higher expectations of 5 year olds than ever, and if you are able, it would be helpful for most children to prepare by being in a preschool (half day!) that last year before Kindergarten to learn all the ’school’ skills that a teacher with 18 or more Kindergartners needs them to be able to do. There is a big difference between learning at home and learning as one of many in a classroom (Yes, homeschoolers, I know, that’s one of the reasons why you homeschool
That said, kids are pretty adaptable, and if you know what is going to be expected of them once they hit school, you can plan ways for them to be able to meet those expectations whether your family has someone at home or not. As several have commented, planning is the key, not reacting to the situations that arise.
Margaret Thanks for the excellent comment. I just learned a lot!
My wife and I have discussed sending our child to day care part time when she gets a little older. I think it will be important for her to learn social skills and also give my wife a break.
I’ve been a SAHM, a WAHM and a full-time working woman with a baby on her hip. I agree that there’s no perfect solution, but after four years and two kids, my husband and I are mapping out a third way that I rarely hear discussed.
We’ll both work, probably full-time, but we’ll both work at less demanding jobs.
Given our educations and professions, they’re tough to find – no one believes you’re willing to halve your salary for quality of life – especially in a shaky job market. But earlier this year, I managed to land a full-time job in a flexible, family-friendly workplace just four blocks from home. (And two blocks from our church’s fabulous childcare center.)
Now we can afford for my husband to give up his private sector job for something less lucrative, but more accommodating.
For us, the most important equation was figuring out how to get the maximum hours together as a family. As with me as a SAHM, it meant daddy spent too many hours at the office for us to feel like it made sense for all of us.
IMHO, the biggest issue isn’t necessarily the choice to work or stay-at-home – it is the fact that it feels like such an all-or-nothing equation for both parents. When did 60 hour workweeks become the norm?!
abby,
i am really intrigued by this third option. my husband and i are trying to sort that all out right now. i just went back to work about 3 month ago doing something that has been my dream. it is amazing that i have this option. my husband has been home with our son for these months but is starting to get a little anxious and wanting to have some professional development as well.
We want as much time as a family and as much time home as well. We have both hated this all or nothing mentality and are trying to think of ways around it. We really want to look at the role of parenting as equal and the pursuit of our career paths as equal. As our son gets older it is easier, he is almost 2. Of course things will change again and again as we think about expanding this family.
Any good resources, thoughts, etc for those on this road would be well appreciated. It seems like the only options and examples out there are the extremes…we are just hell bent on finding another way.
Kellen, I don’t think it has to be one or the other, or any extreme. That is just the way much of society is set up – for instance, there are many companies that will not allow people to work from home, and not everyone is cut out to be an entrepreneur or freelancer. I think it takes a lot of creativity, fortitude, and sometimes luck, to make it work. But if there is a will, there is a way. Best to you and yours.
Abby: I love that you and your husband were able to find a solution that works for your family. I wouldn’t be opposed to taking a pay cut if the situation made sense, and quality of life is one of those situations where I would consider it – if it meant more time at home with my family.
I’m not a fan of women staying at home to look after children. I respect the decision that you and your wife have come to together, and I hope that it all works out for you.
On a practical note, giving up work means a serious setback in your career. I see that you mentioned this, but I think it’s something that people don’t consider enough. People just tend to see the immediate costs, paying tax, childcare, commuting, etc rather than considering all the other things that come with employment in the long term – a growing income stream, retirement contributions, social security payments, etc.
People deride daycare, and it makes me wonder whether they really believe that if you put your children into daycare those kids will be confused as to who their parents are. I’m not sure that happens, certainly hasn’t happened in my family.
Finally, and on a purely selfish note, the prevalence of women giving up work for kids perpetuates the assumption that women earn less, all love children, and are less interested in their careers. None of those things are true. I wouldn’t ask someone to stay in work just to please me, but I still find it annoying.
Ryan, you are a sensible person, I’m certain that you’ve considered this all carefully. It read to me that most people commenting were those who made the same decision as you, so I thought I’d be awkward and disagree. If I had kids, I suspect my experience would be like Four Pillars – don’t forget to review your options regularly.
plonkee: I understand your position, and I think it’s great that you know what works for you. My wife and I thought about her career and we came to the conclusion that she could more or less get back into the workforce if/when it became necessary. She works in the medical field and there are almost always positions available (though maybe not exactly what she would want to be doing at the time). Still the option is there.
Regarding stereotypes of SAHM’s, I could care less. Heck, I even volunteered to break the biggest stereotype and let my wife continue with her career while I played SAHD. Of course I would still bring in some income from my small business, but stay at home dads and working moms still isn’t a common arrangement in the US.
Regarding day care, there are certainly pros and cons. We chose to raise our children for the first few years of life, but I am sure we will place them in day care for a few hours or days per week when they grow older. It will be good for their social growth, and also give mom a much needed break!
I appreciate your comment, plonkee. Everyone has a situation that works best for them. The key is to find it and make it work.
I have jumped out an airplane 86 times, I have raced motorcycles, I travelled to China for a whole summer alone. I have worked in radio both on-air and off, been a professional project manager and checked off all the cliche’s about youth that one should while I was in my twenties.
I’m a stay at home Mom with two kids 4 and 2.5 and this HANDS DOWN is the scariest, most challenging thing I have EVER done in my life. Yes… there are days where I have stood in the middle of my kitchen and screamed “WOULD YOU JUST STOP CRYING!!!” (’cause we all know how much THAT helps). And then there are times when I’m sandwiched between the two of them, both with their little heads on my shoulders when I think “Yeah… THIS is what it’s all about!”
No one can prepare you for the intensity you will experience if you stay at home… rage, dispair, hate, pain… these feelings happen almost on a daily basis when you have little kids… they are transparent little beings and most of humanity has no freakin’ clue what to do with such raw emotions. But I do. Most of days, all can be resolved with “Wow, you really, really are _____.” Then I pick them up, give them a cuddle, breathe and low and behold, they jump down and life moves on. And then there are those days when I haven’t gotten enough sleep, or food, or exercise or time alone or all of the above where the incident in the kitchen happens. It does happen… and guess what. It’s ok. Because hey… we’re all learning over here. We’re all just learning.
There is one thing that gets to me… our society does NOT value parenting… big houses, double car garages yes, but parenting not at all. This is a freakin’ TOUGH JOB PEOPLE… and yes, it’s not for the faint of heart. But so is being a doctor, or a lawyer or a judge… And we all accept what personal sacrifices these professionals have to make…
And ok – I get it… you “can’t handle staying at home”… but consider this… child care workers are some of the lowest paid workers in our country. Yes, there is quality child care out there, but it is far from common and far from being accessible to the majority of working families. Now… if YOU as the one who loves this child the very most “can’t handle it” how do you think someone who is being paid minimum wage is going to “handle it”? And that worker doesn’t just have ONE “it” to handle… they usually have six! SIX to ONE – and that’s considered to be a GOOD ratio!
So, yes… every family has different needs. Fine… sure. But what about the needs of the child? But seriously… your CHILD…. this is YOUR child. A priceless, unreplaceable being that you created. Would you give your mercedes to someone to drive 40 hours a week?
Just read, read, read and make an informed decision. Just don’t tell me “I can’t handle it” again – what job is there on earth where it’s all rainbows and sparkles every day? Zero – that’s how many (ok – one – the cookie factory worker).
But I promise you… when you die – and you will someday die… the last words you utter will NOT be “Gee… I wish I would have spent more time at work.” It will be the name of the one most precious to you… maybe your wife, maybe your kids, maybe the one you loved but let get away… you’ll reach for that one person who guarded you and protected you through those turbulent times…
hell… you might even call for your mama.
Speechless! Thank you! My husband and I have been married fifteen years, tried for a baby fourteen years, adopted the most precious baby last year. My husband has given me the option of staying home with our baby. I am a teacher of fourteen years and very nervous about leaving my profession. My husband doesn’t want me to look back and regret that I didn’t take the opportunity to spend these precious years with my baby. The plan is that I will go back to work afer our little one starts school. I guess I am scared that I won’t be the teacher that I have been when I return. Until now, I ate, drank, and loved every moment with my students. But I absolutely adore my precious child that I have waited so long for. So again, thank you for your comments. I need to hear what you had to say.
Raising my boys is my career. I am so blessed to be a mom and have them in my life. My oldest is already 11, it goes by so quick. I don’t want to look back and think I worked too much. I am a single mom so I have had to work, so I opened an in home daycare (it helps that I love being with children.) It is alot of work (about 60 hours a week in childcare, paperwork, and planning.) But I am with my children. Plus for the families in my care, I treat them all like family and love them as such. The parents feel confident at work since they know the children are with me. I also do a preschool curriculum so all the children love learning (it is all very hands on.) I have a teaching degree, but if I worked and paid daycare I would make no more than I make now. I am licensed through my state to do childcare, just like a larger daycare.
I think our society needs to realize how important raising children is. Even if you work full time, still make your children your priority, not your career.
-Becky in NJ
Yay, for all all stay at home parents!
It’s amazing how the natural progression of looking after your own progeny, (particularly in our case) equates to then taking care of Alzheimer’s Parents once your own are happily off at school.
What a blessing it has been for all!
We have 2 children aged 11 & 8 and both maternal grandparents up to ANZAC Day (25 April) this year (where we lost Mum).
However, now Dad requires extra special care & love and we are honoured to do that………………
Furthermore, how important it is for your children to see you caring for others in need.
I am in the SAHM camp but was working part time at home before the economy took a nose dive. I had been working 20 hrs a week. I’m a professional engineer and was able to work for a very small company while my first born napped (the house was never clean!). It was an excellent situation for over 1 1/2 yrs. Helping us pay down debts quicker and increase our emergency fund. Now with two, I’m not sure if working from home would be possible, but my husband and I are in the “prepare to SAH” camp, Unfortunately, since my boss could not keep giving me 20 hrs, I did not even have an opportunity to try it with the 2 kids.
That being said, I always knew I wanted to stay home. I do love my work and liked going downstairs to do grown-up things and work, but I am a real homebody and would have it no other way. I don’t enjoy cleaning, but love to cook and play with the kids. The way I figure it, I might never be a partner in a company, but I can return to work at some point and still have plenty of time to be an engineer. Right now my children need me and I want to be there for them. This is something that has always been important to me and my husband and I had discussed this from the beginning.
I think if you want to stay home and can pull your finances together to do so, there is nothing as rewarding. I had considered (if I didn’t get laid off) sending my daughter to childcare a few days a week so I could work, but am now thinking about joining the homeschooling camp as well.
ScrapperMom: Thanks for sharing your story! There are so many options out there, and the important thing is that you and your husband found the one that worked for your situation. The opportunity to work will always be there. Like you said – you may never be a partner or CEO, but you will always be a mother!
Interesting forum with inetersting views. I have been married almost 3 years and my husband and I are considering starting a family end of this year. I have a Masters degree and am working as a Family Nurse Practitioner full-time right now. I already know I plan to stay home with our children. My mom did it, my mother-in-law did it and so do all of my sister-in-laws. I think being a mother is a priceless and rewarding job and have always dreamt of being one..God willing.
While I understand that some mothers must work due to financial circumstances I think staying home is really important. I have had a lot of friends go right back to work just weeks after having their baby. I just dont think it is enough time to bond. Women have babie for a reason, it is why our bodies are built to do so. Your children bond with you more closely because of this than your husband, at least in the beginning. Plus, what do all these mothers who go back to work do about breast feeding? It is argumentally the most important thing for your baby. Even more reason to stay home.
I have struggled with the fact that I just spent years in school and will have only been an NP for 2 years before having a child if all works at. Dont get me wrong I will probably go back to the workforce once my children are in school. But i just can’t justify not staying home with my young one. Luckily my husband has a job that can afford me to stay at home.
But as everyone has said each mother has to do whats best for them!
Thank you for getting us thinking and debating!
Ginna: Thanks for sharing your opinion. Best of luck with your decision when the time comes!
I take issue with the “shipping them off to daycare” bit. My Mom offered to take care of my little one if/when I went back to work but I prefer he be in licensed daycare. I want him to make himself some little pals, learn new things, try stuff that I might not think of for him. I think daycare can be good prep for school, which comes up pretty quick. We’ve worked it out that he’ll spend 3 days/wk at daycare and the rest with me or my husband or both of us.
Sassy I never knew being a mom was only temporary, to think I thought it was a life long commitment. LOL On a serious note I have been mostly a Stay at home mom for the past 14 years. But I will admit curiousity got to me and I returned to work at the Public School as a Secretary/ Teachers Aide. I thought being a career mom would be exciting and finally when people asked what I did I could say something Important. All I can say is after being a working mom I realize its very tiring and it was not for me at all. I am doing something Important and it has taken me quite a few years to realize my being at home is what is best for my entire family. I will say being in the School system children that come from stable parent involved homes (mom or Dad) at home are very balanced and well mannered. Call me crazy but I love being ” Just a Mom’ besides sassy my career will never come visit me in the old folks home but my boys will! Love staying home!
Kristie,
How true your post rings for me.
I chose to work in a Daycare for a half a year (the worst 6 months of my life – EVER) I previously had been a full-time Nanny for 3 different families over 10 years. (The best working years of my life – EVER)!
After 6 months of looking after other people’s children in ‘the numbers’ environment I had to get out! I had 15 children aged 3-5year olds under my sole care. That was unreasonable! Please explain to me where the quality for the children is in that!
I plan to be a stay-at-home-mum forever! Those children of ours (11 year old girl, 8 year old boy) need us more as they get older and face the pressures of teenage angst & temptation.
I Praise the Lord everyday He has give us the where-with-all in the form of ’simple living’ to do just this!
I am so happy for you both that you have the option( financially) to have a parent at home! I myself, am a working mom with a broken heart. I’m trying to complete my schooling so I can have only 1 great paying job instead of 2 O.K paying jobs and maybe not have to work as many hours. Thankfully I have two grandmas who help out a lot and I can avoid most of the expensive daycare costs. I also know they are being well taken care of which helps me not feel like a failed parent. Best wishes!
I think there is something else you should take into consideration: which partner makes more money. Whichever one makes more money than the other, than that partner is probably better off staying at home to raise the kids. But one of the things that I hate about the stereotype of working moms, is that without moms at home, the kids would be latchkey kids or whatever. I hate these stereotypes of working mothers, like working mothers are supposedly bad mothers.
I think whoever earns more is a good factor to consider, but I don’t think it should be set in stone. As long as the family has enough money to live comfortably, then the mother and father should work it out and decide the best solution for their situation.
And I agree, I don’t think there should be a stereotype about working mothers, or fathers. Each family should find what works best for their situation and roll with .it.
I plan to be a working mom for several reasons. I think it’s admirable that you and many others point out that a SAHM can keep current on their skills and prepare for the return. However, the reality I’ve seen among my friends and colleagues is that the ones who stay home do NOT keep current and are unable to find a decent job afterwards. Just my 2 cents. I think the years of staying home changes a person a great deal, making them less prepared for the pace and deadlines of the working world, and many employers believe this also (fairly or not).
I have been a stay at home mom since my oldest was born 10 years ago. Itwas the best decision we made, but every family is different. For us, it works wonderfully. We have 3 kids ages 3,7 & 10. I do babysit for another family part time (1 day or sometimes 2 days a week) for just some “fun” money. I will most likely return to part time work once my 3 year old is in school full time. I doubt I will work full time as I find caring for my family & home to be very rewarding. I see my future part time work as a means to help fund college accounts & pay for a nice vacation every year. I have a college degree, so it’s not like I don’t have options should something change for us financially. My husband is an engineer & he works much more than your standard 8-5 workweek. While he works a lot, he also has a very secure & well paying job. I think it would be very stressful for me to work full time given his hours. I don’t mind, since I enjoy being home.
I can certaintly understand many families decision to have both parents in the workforce full time. Life is expensive, and I think any situation can work. I dislike people who take one side or the other as the “RIGHT” way to parent. My goodness I know wonderful children who have stay at home moms & I know just as many equally wonderful children who have moms who work.
Great topic!
Gee…I am so jealous that it is an easy decision for you!
I am pregnant with our first child and it really changes everything or on how I view things now. I used to be the ‘No-I will work and achieve my dreams no matter what happens’…or ‘I can’t stay at home doing nothing’…. However, now…the baby changes everything.
I am a geologist and used to work on offshore rigs on an on call basis and usually be there for a month and then back on land again. After discovered I am pregnant, they put me in the office which is dreading because I am not used to office environment..feeling unproductive because very new in office environment. 4 years being offshore and now in the office?? Meanwhile, my husband is a sailor and is usually at sea for at least 3 months (duh!!) and on land for a month.
The main thing that has been playing in my head is if I should stay at home and concentrate on the baby once delivered? I used to be a very outgoing person and then slowed down when I discovered that I am pregnant. I am not sure if staying at home will be sort of a culture shock for me or not.
I do not have any close relatives around. Parents still working. Maids/nannies are pretty expensive and I don’t think I trust our child to being in the hands of foreign maids when nowadays in my country there are cases of maids/nannies abusing kids. Even when I am working in the office now and after delivery, I will probably only have around 4 hours to spend with our baby before going to bed because the road traffic is horrendous that it takes 1-2 hours just to get home. And after back from work, probably will get busy cooking preparing for dinner at 9 pm (and this haven’t even spend time with baby yet!). After dinner, then probably I can actually spend time but maybe tired. And I usually get to bed by 11 pm because I will need to get up for work at 6.30 am. So lets see…..2 hours only with the baby????? And I think it will be just me and the baby when husband is off sailing…
The thing is now…we are not financially stable yet. I don’t think we can survive with only one income which is from my husband as he also has his family to support (his mum is a single mum with 2 schooling siblings and one mentally challenged sibling). We have lots of commitments to pay off and we don’t even own a house yet! Just renting. Money is mostly used on traveling expenses to work (1/4 of my current salary just for traveling expenses!). The rest are on utilities..things for the house (to make it look more like a house!)..
The things that are running in my head right now is..
1) After all these years of schooling, college and having a degree in geology..I am afraid that I would regret the decision of staying at home (because so used to outdoor life) and having to have your own money without having to ask from your husband.
2) In the same time, I do not want to regret having not spend much time with our baby and worst thing is if they favour the nanny more! (which does happen) This is going to be our first child and of course I would like to witness the progress of our baby..first step..first word..etc.
My heart says to stay at home and spend time with kids. I have been thinking about working from home. But still not sure what kind of things/activities should I do. Unfortunately I am not the type who sews..or knit etc. I play drums and guitars, and I doubt the baby can sleep with noises at home (if I ever planned to teach at home!)
I would appreciate if anyone can comment on this. I have heard lots of advice and read posts here….however, I just can’t stop this feeling of fear…
Thank you…
Mum-to-be.
Mum-to-be, Thanks for sharing your situation. This is certainly a decision you and your husband will need to make together. It is not an easy decision, but it is definitely one of the most important decisions you will make in the next few years.
I encourage you and your husband to talk openly about your plans, goals, desires, and expectations. You may also find it helpful to speak with friends, family members, fellow church members if you go to church, or online forums.
I wish you and your husband the best of luck with your decision.
Mum-to-be,
Heart goes out to you…………….
Staying at home can be …………..very isolating.
However, there are so many options at your fingertips and it’s so exciting for both you and your soon-to-be child to be involved in.
For example, in Australia we have this great support network called ABA (Australian Breastfeeding Association) Sure, it helps you if you breastfeed, but the support it offers at all levels is phenomenal.
A Playgroup where like-minded parents meet together informally in a hall, someone else’s home or community centre is another option.
Toy Library is big here also – borrow toys which babies and children use for such limited times & return 2 weeks later for a small annual fee of appox. $50.00
Dear Mum-to-be don’t limit yourself as to what you can do…………
Embrace yourself and your gorgous new bub and try new things together…….
You’ll be amazed at how far it will take you both!
PS: I’m still A Stay-at-Home-Mum and my darling husband & children (11 &
bless me everyday for this decision.
We still live on one wage with husband’s wage not changing much in nearly 2 decades – God always provides………
Furthermore, I’m taking a well needed break for the rest of the week because I’ve over-commited myself to my pastoral, family & school community.
God bless you in all you do, Melinda
Wow…thank you Ryan & Melinda for your advises.
Well, I guess it all comes back to priorities (more $$?or family?). And yes, thank you for reminding me that God provides…I know that He said not to worry about tomorrow because he will take care of us…and also just have faith in Him. Even when I know those words..I think I just need to be reminded especially in this kind of situation.
I have talked to friends..parents..etc..and everyone has got different advises. Most of them would say that it is such a waste to stop working after all these years of going to school etc… but you know what, I think it will be up to my husband and I. It is already bad enough for the baby only get to be with the dad after few months and off again.. what more to say with me only going to spend 2 hours a day with baby (if I am still with my current job)? And being a mother ain’t a part time job!
And yes, I think we do have something like the ABA in Malaysia..I just found out just now.
Will discuss with my husband when he gets back from sea!
Thank you Ryan & Melinda..
Well, I have three babies…3 months, 2 and 4. I was offered a long term/whole school year sub. position in a school district an hour away. In this neck of the woods the only way to get hired is to know someone on the school board or sub for a really long time. I have not worked full time since we had our first–I have not worked at all in over a year. I have been taking care of our children at home. I am not sure at all of what I should do. I know that I want to be with my children–they are only little for a little while–makes me so sad when I think of leaving them. But then if I do not take this job I will be screwing myself of ever getting one in this field.
I agree with Melinda in many respects. If you need the money to get by, then you should probably take the position. If you prefer to be a stay at home mom for another few years and can do without the money for the time being, then you can probably afford to wait awhile. It is very possible a better position in a closer location may pop up in the near future, which would be better for you and your family (an hour commute each way is a long way to go each day, and removes you from your family for an extra 10 hours each week).
Best of luck in your decision.
Lola,
It appears your last comment is causing you to hurry into something you may not really want at all.
“But then if I do not take this job I will be …………..”
There will be a job there sometime, someone has to take maternity leave, someone will retire, someone may have another offer elsewhere.
If you possibly can, don’t let the ’sense of urgency’ drive your decision.
Obviously, if financially, things are looking pretty grim you may need to review but you will not regret ever spending those precious years with your babies.
Good luck and God bless in whatever you decide to do!
Yes, I am down to the wire here on this one. I only have about an hour before I have to let the school know my decision. The problem is that they asked me last summer and have since hired people that were well below me on “the list” of subs. And if I pass this one up I most likely will never be asked again and will move on to the next sub. (I think they asked me out of a favor of my father–who works at the district)
Lola,
I am not a mum yet but I have a friend who has the same situation as yours. She has to work to support herself and her 3 kids. Her neighbour is babysitting her kids when she goes to work.
However despite that, you don’t sound like you are ready to leave your kids to go to work. Like what Melinda said, I think there will be other jobs for you at the right time. I don’t think that is the only job in the world for you. Maybe next time even better?
I have got a friend who stays at home for few years but still has a job because she keeps on updating her CV..by teaching tuitions at home just for 3 hours a week. I am not sure if that works there.
Good luck in whatever decision you make!!