My wife and I are expecting our first child, which means we have a thousand and one things to do before our little one arrives. One of the things we can check off the list is deciding whether or not my wife would continue working after we have our child or if she would be a stay at home mom. I’ll save the suspense – we have decided it is in our best interest for my wife to be a stay at home mom and raise our child at home.
The decision for us was fairly easy – we had been preparing for it since we got married 2½ years ago. Shortly after our wedding we began preparing to have one parent stay at home. We paid off all our debt and started living on less income than we earned. Shortly after paying off all our debt, my wife took a job that paid less, but offered a better quality of living. We decided at that time to live on my salary and split her salary between saving for retirement and building a nest egg.
But the decision isn’t always an easy decision for everyone to make, and there are many factors that come into play. Here are a few things to consider:
Should you be a stay at home mom, or a working mom?
Can you afford it? This is the first and most obvious factor many people consider. Giving up a salary is hard to do, especially in a difficult economy. But you might not be giving up as much money as you would think. After you take into consideration the costs of daycare (anywhere from $4,000 – $15,000 per year), taxes, commuting, professional wardrobe, eating out, and other work related expenses, your take home pay may be less than a third of your actual salary. If you can afford to give up that amount of income, you may decide it is not worth the headache of juggling the stresses of work and raising a family.
Do you want someone else raising your children? This was the deciding factor for us. My wife and I prefer to raise our children instead of shipping them off to day care for the first few years of life (we do not have any family close enough to help out). Your situation may differ if you have a relative who can watch over your children while you work either full or part time. But we want to cherish the time we have when they are young.
Will being a stay at home mom hurt your career? This is an important question to ask. Taking a several year hiatus from the work force can set your career back if/when you decide to return to the work force. But that doesn’t mean you can’t remain active and work on your skills while you are a stay at home mom. You can work as a freelance writer, remain active in professional organizations, obtain professional licenses or certifications, teach online courses, teach evenings at a local community college or university, go back to school, start a small business, etc. There are many other proactive things you can do to lessen the affect of being out of the traditional work force for several years. You may even decide to use this as the launching point for a new career.
Should you stay at home, or return to work?
You will probably get an opinion on this from just about everyone, but this is a decision that should be made by you and your spouse. For my wife and I, the decision was easy. But I know it is a difficult decision for many people.
I would love to hear your thoughts on being a stay at home mom, or returning to the work force after having children.
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I have to call in less than ten minutes! See my husband is a police officer and we are living paycheck to paycheck right now. But between the sub pay and the gas money, and the money I will spend on getting my room ready, also 3 days a week child care, my mother in law would help two days (if I help her out with the grocery bill)–I just dont know if I can really afford to work! Thanks for all your help. Will let you know what I decide.
I have to call in less than ten minutes! See my husband is a police officer and we are living paycheck to paycheck right now. But between the sub pay and the gas money, and the money I will spend on getting my room ready, also 3 days a week child care, my mother in law would help two days (if I help her out with the grocery bill)–I just dont know if I can really afford to work! Thanks for all your help. Will let you know what I decide.
i feel that moms should work and let the children go to day care!
My fiance and I have talked extensively about this topic. We finally came to the decision that, when we have children, I’ll stay at home and raise them, as well as homeschool them (for K-8 years, and then private school for high school). I plan to go for a masters through an online program or start my own home business (or write a book) while at home. With a masters and continued community involvement, it will help me to stay career viable in the event of a family crisis (medical bills for children/spouse/self, layoff, house burns down, etc).
Staying home is a personal choice. I never felt comfortable doing so because I loved working. I have four kids and a supportive husband who worked from home for 4 years while owning his own business. Also, the reason staying home didnt’ work for me was when my husband got laid off from his job, we were happy that I had a viable income such that the total financial burden of the home didn’t rely completely on him. Also, we perferred to send our kids to school by the age of 3 yrs. Also, we did the alternate work schedule for a time when he first started his at home business. After our youngest turned 3yrs, my husband was more than happy to work outside of the home and sell his business. Staying home is a matter of choice. I personally would have been unhappy doing so.
I’m not sure it is fair to say that those of us that have to use day care are “letting someone else raise our children.” I use day care and am absolutely positive that I – not the day care provider – am raising my 12 month old daughter. I understand why some people feel this way, but it isn’t a fair or accurate assumption. In fact, I sometimes think about staying home and have actually decided that my daughter might not be better off. I never would have thought this possible, but she loves being able to be around all the kids and loving teachers. Just wanted to note this for anyone reading this article. When I have my second, I still may stay home….it’s a tough decision for sure.
I agree with the last comment posted. It really angers me when I hear comments derogatory toward working moms, such as “they are letting someone else raise their child if he / she goes to daycare.” Being a SAHM or working mom is a personal choice and no one should be made to feel guilty for the choice they have made with regard to that part of their life. Would it be better for a mother to stay home with her child and risk losing the house because financially the family will just be scraping by each month? Even if I were able to stay home, I would still want my son to attend daycare part-time each week. He loves playing with the children, making arts and crafts, story-time and all of the other activities offered at his school. I am confident that he is being stimulated and having fun each day while I am at work, and I spend each night loving him up and being a good mother. Whether I work or don’t work, does not have an impact on my mothering skills, and I am not letting someone else raise my child.
My husband and I are trying to make this decision right now. I think that daycare is letting someone else raise your children. I mean, by the time everyone gets home, it’s almost time to go to bed and then how much time are the parents really spending with the children compared to the daycare worker. I would like to stay home, but we are finding it difficult to figure out how we can afford it. I earn more than my husband, but we both would rather me stay at home with the children. I am a certified k-8 teacher and could home school. Plus, with breast-feeding, etc. etc. I am the obvious choice
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I appreciate everyone’s input and I appreciate your honest opinions. I will let you know what we decide and why.
Thanks,
Karen
Yes, I do understand working or not working is a personal choice. We are in the age of “whatever makes Us happy”. We are talking about little lives being molded, by others. I’ve worked and stayed home. Let me tell you ladies, if I had the knowledge of the impact on my child’s life it was to have me home, I would do it over in a heartbeat with my child I left in daycare. It is a blessing to be home with the little ones. The only guilt being felt is the heartstrings being tugged by knowing what the right thing is to do. May all of you struggling with this decision choose what is right for your child. You can never get those years back. All I can say is Budget, Budget, Budget. With God All Things Are Possible.
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Being a working mom to a 3 year old, I struggle with this decision every day. I work full-time and hate it. IMO, working part-time is the perfect solution. It allows a foot in the door as far as the workplace and staying fresh but also allows the one-on-one time needed. Working full-time only allows limited time to spend with your kids because here is the reality of a day- get up, take kid to “school”, work, work, work, pick kid up, get home, start dinner, finish dinner, bath, small amount of play time, bed, and repeat X5. Then the weekends are for packing in family time along with ordinary household chores. There never seems to be enough time. Make certain to factor in commute time when making your decision but this does take a big chunk out of the day as well. This is just my input but it is coming from someone “living the dream” and it isn’t working for me.
In today’s society we are expected to work and deciding to stay home to raise your children has no longer become a way of life. I am a stay at home mom of also 4 children. I can tell you now it has been the best decision we have ever made. No it has not been easy and most of the time exhausting, though it has been extremely rewarding and fullfilling to know that we have instilled our family values, faith. Our children are in their teens now and always thank us for the decision we made. Remember material things come and go, a childs love is priceless.
AMEN!
First, thank you to all of the working mothers out there. Working moms who put their heart and soul into their kids after all day at work amaze me.
Thank you also to everyone who mentioned their desire and need to spend more time with their children. Being young, I feel so much outside pressure to continue with my career, to reach my potential, and too often I feel that many do not consider motherhood as a way to be successful. Being a mom in any context is important, but judgment on a personal decision on how to take care of the people you love the most is hurtful and nonsensical. Who could think that they could have more carefully or correctly analyzed your family’s situation then you, who cares more for them than anyone else?
God bless anyone who understands that ALL mothers love their children.
I would have to agree with Jenn on this one. I am a full-time working mother of four children ranging in age from 12-5 yrs old. I have been on both sides of the spectrum… I was a stay at home mom for most of the time (except seasonal or part time employment) up until about 3 years ago. I question my decision to work on a daily basis. Financially, it has been a huge help for me and my husband. However, I truly miss my kids. I work 9-5. My children leave for school at 8, then I leave for work. I get home at 530 or 6, make dinner, put them to bed by 9. Its stressful for all of us. I miss going on school field trips, taking cupcakes for their b-days, having my house clean all the time, having a nice meal prepared nightly (instead of just throwing something together quickly as soon as I walk in the door). However, when I didn’t work, we were really struggling and unable to provide more than the bare minimum for our kids. That was no fun either.
First, I agree with all who believe that to stay at home or not, is first and foremost a personal decision. Unfortunately, for many of us parents, the financial situation we are in usually dictates whether or not we can afford to stay at home if that is your choice. I have a 2 yr old son, and before I became pregnant, I always thought I would like to continue working, and unfortunately, my husband and I didn’t plan for anything else. After my son was born, I had a huge wake up call and could not bear the thought of leaving him with someone else. We had no choice, however, as our expenses need the two incomes we provide. While we were lucky to have my mother/father sit for him the first year, and have a great daycare (albeit differences in teaching and ‘parenting’ do exist) that he enjoys very much, everyday leaving him with another provider has been a real struggle for us. We have been working to try and get ourselves to the point where I could stay at home, however, I am very afraid that we may not be able to do this before he goes to school and we will have lost many precious years together. Given this, I would strongly suggest to all who are pregnant or thinking of having a family to try and give yourselves an option and once that baby comes, you will have the freedom of choice to stay at home or not.
If staying home is an option…women should do it! The problem I see with this whole conversation is that no one is naming the elephant in the room. Today’s Moms/Dads have a totally different level of entitlement in their lives than their parents did…they want everything NOW. How many working Moms out there drive 30+k cars along with their husband…meanwhile the kids are in someone else’s care being sent the message that they are expendable…for the “good of the family.” What a bunch of bonk! Live within your means, stay at home if you can and raise your own kids! Your life will be much more fulfilling…it might not be luxurious but it will be quality indeed.
Wow, Nathan. A little self-righteous, aren’t we? First, of all, “women” should do it? What about the men? They’re parents too. Maybe they should stay home to have such “fulfilling” lives raising their children.
Furthermore, what an assumption to make that women who work feel entitled or somehow drive expensive cars and have a lot of things. And then to continue on that if you work you’re sending the message to your children that they’re expendable. Do you stay home with your children?
I also beleive that, if at all possilble, staying at home is the best option for both parents and kids. I worked when my daughter was younger, and I always felt something nagging me, tellling me that this wasn’t what I was supposed to be doing. After my son was born, we made the decision to say goodbye to a lot of things (financially) and give our kids what they needed most, time and love. It has been hard at times, and we may not have all the luxuries that some of our friends do, but our chilldren never go without and have everything they need. I do work 1 afternoon a week outside the home, and I do some odds and ends here and there (crafts, laundry, etc) to bring in extra income, which is helpful. I probobly wouldn’t remember all the fancy things I bought them if I worked while they were in daycare, but I would remember the time I lost while they were spending there first 5 years away from me. In the end it is certainly a personal decision everyone must make, and staying at home may not work for everyone, but it is definately the best decision my husband and I have ever made, and I’m thankful to have the opportunity!
I have to say that I agree with Nathan. I have recently chosen to be a stay-at-home mom and I have to say it is one of best decisions I ever made. It seems that today’s parents are forgoing spending quality time raising their children to receive a paycheck to support a more luxurious lifestyle to keep up with the Jonses. I have even heard of parents letting their kids stay at daycare longer so they can have time to theirselves because they are so tired after work. I mean, why have children if all they’re going to be is an accessory? I guess their logic is: Babysitter=Able to Work=Lexus/$$$Clothes because they deserve it because of all their hard work. The real question is, what does the child get? Definitely NOT the hours of quality care and attention they need.
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