In light of the current economic crisis and subsequent drop in the stock markets, the book on investing has been rewritten. The following are new stock market definitions for common terms:
- CEO. Chief Embezzlement Officer.
- CFO. Corporate Fraud Officer.
- BULL MARKET. A random market movement causing an investor to mistake himself for a financial genius.
- BEAR MARKET. A 6 to 18 month period when the kids get no allowance, the wife gets no jewelry, and the husband gets no sex.
- VALUE INVESTING. The art of buying low and selling lower.
- P/E RATIO. The percentage of investors wetting their pants as the market keeps crashing.
- BROKER. What my broker has made me.
- STANDARD & POOR. Your life in a nutshell.
- STOCK ANALYST. Idiot who just downgraded your stock.
- STOCK SPLIT. When your ex-wife and her lawyer split your assets equally between themselves.
- FINANCIAL PLANNER. A guy whose phone has been disconnected.
- MARKET CORRECTION. The day after you buy stocks.
- CASH FLOW. The movement your money makes as it disappears down the toilet.
- YAHOO. What you yell after selling it to some poor sucker for $240 per share.
- WINDOWS. What you jump out of when you’re the sucker who bought Yahoo @ $240 per share.
- INSTITUTIONAL INVESTOR. Past year investor who’s now locked up in a nuthouse.
- PROFIT. An archaic word no longer in use.
Reader entries:
- FEDERAL BAILOUTS. American capitalism’s replacement.
- BAILOUT. Unwarranted bonus to greedy executive board
- EBIT. Earnings before irregularities and tampering.
- EBITDA. Earnings before I trick the dumb auditor.
- BUDGET. Written proof that you can’t afford the new boat (or the new house, the new car, the private school education….)
- MISDEEDS. Crimes.
- COMMISSION. The only reliable way to make money on the stock market, which is why your broker charges you one.
- STOCK. A magical piece of paper that is worth $53.28 until the moment you buy it. It will then be worth $6.97
Did I miss any? Leave a comment! 
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Very funny, and yet sadly true! Thanks for a Friday laugh.
Here’s one:
FEDERAL BAILOUTS. American capitalism’s replacement.
Nice definitions, I got a good laugh out of it.
How about Bailout: Unwarranted bonus to greedy executive board
These are hilarious!
How about EBIT: Earnings before irregularities and tampering.
Budget: Written proof that you can’t afford the new boat (or the new house, the new car, the private school education….)
Misdeeds: Crimes
Commission: The only reliable way to make money on the stock market, which is why your broker charges you one.
Stock: A magical piece of paper that is worth $53.28 until the moment you buy it. It will then be worth $6.97.
This is the funniest article I’ve read all month and I love it! Especially “BULL MARKET. A random market movement causing an investor to mistake himself for a financial genius.”
Read this in an email string but always find it funny.
Thank you for pointing out that I have been a value investor all my life.
Incidentally, I also like EBITDA – Earnings before I trick the dumb auditor.
fatherzez, I love it!
I think in this market most of us are value investors – unless we are just watching everything drop lower!